


The Unbreakable Union of Maedhros

by febbb



Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: And Feanaro is just a dick himself, Gen, Just kidding please put down your sword your grace, Parody, Perhaps because I love him too much, Russian jokes, Soviet jokes, Why am I such a dick to darling Maitimo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:22:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25916536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/febbb/pseuds/febbb
Summary: "Comrade, the Supreme Leader wants to see you!"A series of Soviet jokes parody.Mainly about the Feanorians
Comments: 6
Kudos: 20





	The Unbreakable Union of Maedhros

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Various USSR/Russian/Communism jokes](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/667372) by Various authors. 
  * A translation of [费诺里安笑话集](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24658390) by [febbb](https://archiveofourown.org/users/febbb/pseuds/febbb). 



Maedhros wants to know what the people of Beleriand really think of his House. So going out in disguise, he asks an elf he ran into: "Excuse me, but what do you think of the Feanorians?" The elf leads him down a quiet place, makes sure that nobody hears him, and whispers into Maedhros' ear, "I support the Feanorians!"

This is Beleriand Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the shortest joke?”

We’re answering: “Maedhros' reign as the High King."

This is Beleriand Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the longest joke?”

We’re answering: “Fulfilling the Oath."

This is Feanorian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Lord Maedhros told us that 'the future of fulling the Oath is already seen at the horizon.' Then, what is a horizon?”

We’re answering: “Horizon is an imaginary line which moves away each time you approach it.”

Doriath saluted the visit of the Feanorians with guns. After the first was fired, a Sindarin elf asked those beside him, "What was that about?" 

"The Feanorians are here!"

Fired another.

"How come! The first one didn't stop them?"

After the Darkening of Valinor, Feanor and Fingolfin discussed the plans to pursue Morgoth. "What do you think, Curufinwe, should we wait for the ships to be ready before setting off?"

"No, half-brother, we are leaving NOW."

Fingolfin bow his head and muttered, "What a douche!"

Feanor overhead and drew his sword at him, "Whom did you have in mind when you said 'What a douche?'" Feanor asked.

"I meant Morgoth, of course, brother dear." Fingolfin said.

In the war with Morgoth, the Noldor elf plead for aid to the Ainur. 

One Maia answered his prayer, "We will do our best!"

The Noldor was deeply touched, "We are not doing well. Many were slain."

The Maia promised, "We will work day and night!"

The Noldor was moved to tears, "Which Valar are you serving?"

The Maia answered, "Lord Namo!"

Q: Did Elwing really commit suicide?

A: Yes, indeed. We even recorded her last words, "No, don't push me!"

Right before Finwe's death, he reached out to his eldest son and heir Feanor through ósanwe. 

"Feanaro, my son, there is one thing that concerns me."

"What is it, Atar?" 

"Will the Noldor follow your lead? Have you thought about that?"

"They will, " answers Feanor, "That is for sure."

"I hope so, " says Finwe, "But I'm just worried, what will you do if they won't?"

"Then they will follow yours!" 

One day Valinor held a parade. Marching along the avenue was the Vanyars led by Ingwe, the Eagles led by Thorondor, each more deadly than the previous; Yet to the end of the line was eight elves of various hair colour, led by one who wore something blazing blindly.

Manwe asked in surprise, "They are the most deadly? Who are they? "

"They are not mine" Melkor said.

"Neither mine." Namo said.

Ulmo sighed, "They are the Feanorians...".

Celegorm is leaving for his hunting trip around Nargothrond. Before his departure he heard about Beren and his request. A month later, he returned and was welcomed by Oredreth and Curufin at the gate of Nargothrond. He bowed to Oredreth, "My deepest condolences for your family's loss. King Felagund..."

Oredreth was in shock, "Condolences? Findarato is alive!"

When they were alone, Celegorm shouted at Curufin angrily, "Damn you. Why did you push back the original plan?"

A Laiquendi, a Noldor, and a Sindar are chatting about the greatest pleasure of life.

"To sing and dance and feast in the woods! That is the greatest pleasure in life." says the Laiquendi

"To me it is to forge the best sword and slew them orcs on the battlefield", says the Noldor.

"You are both wrong" scoffs the Sindar. "The greatest pleasure in life is when you are sleeping and the Sons of Feanor burst into your room shouting 'Dior, hand over the Silmarils.' and you can reply 'Sorry, King Dior lives next door'".

Feanor is rallying the Noldor to leave for Beleriand. The Valars are not happy about it. They stopped a Noldor to ask him a few questions.

"You want to leave the Aman?" He nods.

“Isn't it nice to live under the protection of the Valars?”

“Yeah, I can’t complain.”

“And here in Tirion, don’t you have enough place to live?”

“Yeah, yeah, I can’t complain.”

“And here in Tirion, don’t you have food to eat?”

“Yeah, I can’t complain.”

“So, Noldor, tell me, why do you want to leave for Beleriand?”

“Because there I **can** complain!”

During his visit to Belerian, Feanor has sent a letter back to Valinor, saying "I have chosen freedom". The Valar rally the Noldor in Tirion to denounce him on the other day.

To everyone's surprise, Feanor shows up at the meeting.

Feanor: I know where I meant when I said freedom, but do you?

Five precepts of the Beleriand intelligentsia:

Don't think of getting your hands on the Silmarils.

If you think, then don't put it to action.

If you think and put it to action, then don't brag about it.

If you think, put to action and bragged, then don't stay where you are.

If you think, put to action, bragged and stayed put, then don't be surprised.

After the sack of Sirion, Maedhros and Maglor gathered their remaining forces for a meeting. The agenda was to discuss two pressing matters: how to build a camp and how to fulfill the Oath. 

Without any supplies, they would proceed with the second matter directly. 

After the Fall of Doriath, a very old Sindar carried a slogan, "Thank you, Lord Maedhros, for my happy childhood!"

The Feanorian followers approached the old elf. "What's that? Are you deriding our House? Everybody can see, when you were a child, Lord Maedhros was still in Valinor!"

"That's precisely what I'm grateful to him for!" 


End file.
